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[10 Apr 2008|03:26pm] |
On Monday I got drunk off my ass. My caseworker showed up for our meeting. She claims she didn't even know how I managed to answer the door. I don't even remember answering the door. I passed out and puked. My case worker sat in the er with me for a few hours. I remember none of this. I ran away from the er because I didn't want to get sent to detox. The cops caught me on my way to a friend's house. They did a breathalizer on me and it claimed I was still above the legal limit. I didn't feel drunk at all anymore. Detox is horrible. Bunches of horny aggressive guys. They sent all the 2 girls (including me) to the sober wing before we were sober for our safety. Not much better on the sober wing. The tv is supposed to be turned off at 10 am so people concentrate on getting out, which is a joke. There is nothing you can do. You have to wait for a counselor to evaluate you and then you have to wait for the county to pick you up. So you have nothing to do but wait.
The reason why i got drunk was that I was just damn depressed. Penny, my "friend," started a rumor that I fuck like a corpse. I confronted my bf on this and he said he didn't think that nor did he tell penny. Penny says that my depression, cutting and alcohol use is just to get attention and that I should grow up. Sometimes I just can't cope with the flashbacks and panic attacks. But hearing someone say something like that makes you wonder if it is true and get all depressed all over again. Right now I so feel like cutting. If I didn't have clinicals tonight I'd have cut already. I can't miss clinicals. If I do I have to make it up and there is only a small group of people making up clinicals so the instructor would be breathing over my back. I'd hate it. So I'd better not cut and go to clinicals tonight. My strength is wearing out. I don't know how much longer I can resist the urge to cut.
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