Don't Judge Us

On Monday I got drunk off my ass. My caseworker showed up for our meeting. She claims she didn't even know how I managed to answer the door. I don't even remember answering the door. I passed out and puked. My case worker sat in the er with me for a few hours. I remember none of this. I ran away from the er because I didn't want to get sent to detox. The cops caught me on my way to a friend's house. They did a breathalizer on me and it claimed I was still above the legal limit. I didn't feel drunk at all anymore. Detox is horrible. Bunches of horny aggressive guys. They sent all the 2 girls (including me) to the sober wing before we were sober for our safety. Not much better on the sober wing. The tv is supposed to be turned off at 10 am so people concentrate on getting out, which is a joke. There is nothing you can do. You have to wait for a counselor to evaluate you and then you have to wait for the county to pick you up. So you have nothing to do but wait.

The reason why i got drunk was that I was just damn depressed. Penny, my "friend," started a rumor that I fuck like a corpse. I confronted my bf on this and he said he didn't think that nor did he tell penny. Penny says that my depression, cutting and alcohol use is just to get attention and that I should grow up. Sometimes I just can't cope with the flashbacks and panic attacks. But hearing someone say something like that makes you wonder if it is true and get all depressed all over again. Right now I so feel like cutting. If I didn't have clinicals tonight I'd have cut already. I can't miss clinicals. If I do I have to make it up and there is only a small group of people making up clinicals so the instructor would be breathing over my back. I'd hate it. So I'd better not cut and go to clinicals tonight. My strength is wearing out. I don't know how much longer I can resist the urge to cut.

I'm 23 and a cutter. Have been since 14. Before that it was scratching, hitting myself with objects and mia. Who knows when all that shit started. I'm trying to be more active in greatest journal now. All my friends are on live journal and there are some things I want to discuss with people and not incur the wrath or disdain of my friends. I'm just saying hi to this community. If anyone knows of any other communities I should join just tell me. Well, hi to this community.

heyy. sorry i have been very active. so much stuff has been going on.
basically me and my best friend got into a lil fight and well now arent friends. i though it was going to be a clean end of a friendship. but no, thats not possible with her. she and her boyfriend started talking all this shit about me and they went aroudn telling people about how i got raped. and the worst part about that is that they were saying that i lied about being raped and i was only saying that so i wouldnt look like a slut.
like what the fuck who does that? i have never been so hurt before. i confided in them and now they are using it against me.
they even turned my ex against me. which really hurts because i really love him.
luckily everything is kinda dying down now because i am on break. i just hope when i go back to school things will be okay.
also on top of all of this i just found that my exs dad just died. and it really affected me because i knew him and because i still care about him and his family. i dont know what to do cause he wont really open up about which i understand but i dont want him to keep it all in. i told him that i was here for him though no matter what.
i just need him to be okay. his family already has so many issues.

if you look deep, deep into my eyes and look past my fake smile you will see that i am broken, truly broken. i dont want to pretend to be happy anymore, i want to be naturally happy. i dont want to get upset everytime i see him. i want to be over him. and happy without him. i dont understand why i am in love with someone who now treats me like shit. and i just dont understand that if he really did used to love me, how his feelings for me just vanished. how can you stop loving someone that ment so much to you? unless everything he ever told me was a lie. i question if he ever really had feelings for me. was it all just a waste of time? i dont even know. but what i do know, and to all of you this is going to seem stupid and you'll probably think im crazy and wrong but i dont care, what i do know is that he was/is sapposed to be the one for me. i've never felt so strong about something. he is the one that i am sapposed to be with for the rest of my life. and maybe knowing this is why it is so hard for me to simply forget about him. believe you me, if i could get over him i would. im not holding on just because. you really think that i like feeling like this all the time? no. i hate it. sometimes i really hate that i ever met him. but then again for the time we were together he was the best thing that ever happened to me. i never once was sad when he was in my life. but now that he is gone, i feel empty. and i hate it. no one ever loved me like he did. that is if he really did love me. but whatever.

Your New Maintainer!

Hey Everyone.

i just wanted to let everyone know i'm your new Maintainer I'm helping sierra out with the community and im going to help her bring it to life so if anyone knows anybody who would want to join please tell them to join.

Also if anyone needs anything all my screennames and email are in the userinfo so please dont be afraid to contact me.

Thank You.!

Your New Maintainer,

Ashley

i'm not sure whats going on.

one of my good friends died saturday.

i can't really feel anything.
:[

blah blah blah

Yeah my life feels like its basically OVER. to begin with we might end up moving, to Tennessee, which I'm not really complaining about, i love that place but for real ive always lived in a place where everything was small and my parents werent apart. now i have to deal with my mom and my dad and my dads girlfriend and her kids. does this not seem normal?
Anyway I talked to my ex recently he called me, god only knows why. i had to get off the phone with him, had to leave and really i didnt want to talk to him. he isnt one of the best people ive ever dated. after we broke up he became the worst person ive ever really met. He now smokes pot, dates and fucks a whole shit load of people and sits there and tells me he hates me to other people and turns around and says he loves me. what the fuck is with that? any suggestions.
this has become more random. but yeah OH WELL.
any comments are welcome

INTRODUCTION
Name: Amanda
Age: 16
Location: Michigan
Gender: Female
Single or In a Relationship?: SINGLE
Boyfriend or Girlfriend?: No....

What are your likes?: writing poems/ stories, dancing espically swing.
What are your dislikes?: snotty ignorant judgemental annoying people.
How do you S-I?: cutting, pulling hair, screaming (although, i dont really think thats a form), scratching

Are you good at helping people?: i try to be anyway
Do you wish to help give advice here?: sure do
What kind of help are you looking for?: anything and everything

If you would like to you can also give us a short background about yourself or your problem, experiences with treatment, etc. Well as of right now i dont really have as big of a problem as i used to, i'll be a senior. to many things to do right now so yeah thats a little bit

(INTRODUCTION)
Name:Veronica
Age:16
Location:Bentonville
Gender:Female
Single or In a Relationship?:single
Boyfriend or Girlfriend?:hmm, im straight...? at least i think thats what youre asking?

What are your likes?:chocolate, music, learning, long drives at night.
What are your dislikes?:cold weather without snow, boys who dont call when they say they will, fish, spiders!!!
How do you S-I?:cutting, and biting.

Are you good at helping people?:i like to think so. i think i give good advice.
Do you wish to help give advice here?:yes.
What kind of help are you looking for?:help telling my mother about how i feel. and support so i dont feel so alone when i feel like cutting, but dont want to.

I've been cutting for three years now. I was suicidal for a while, but that has mostly passed now. I still think about it, of course, but I know how to deal with those feelings. I have grown a lot in the past three years and I don't cut for the same reasons, but I still cut. I like to think that I have gotten better, but I think thats a lie. I want to recieve treatment now, but my mom is completely ignoring the problem. My school counselor has talked to her several times, but to no avail. I just want to feel normal.

i just dont know what to do

so ive liked this guy dj since the begninning of the school year. but he has had a gf the whole time. but he called about an hour ago and told me that she dumped him. they went out for nine months. he started crying while talking to me. i just feel so bad. and i dont know what to say or do. i love him so much. and after we hung up i started crying.

somone please comment with advice.

i have another new year's resolution. i've decided i don't want my eating disorder to be the main facet of my life. it's still a part of me, because i'm just not ready to let it go, but it's not all of me. i don't want people to think of me as that girl with anorexia, i want them to think of me as...well, me. I don't want to be obsessed with weight and appearance every minute of every day, and i don't want to spend my life in and out of hospitals. but i won't let anything dictate how to live my life, not parents, not doctors, not anorexia. i don't want to run in circles all the time. do i intend to fully recover this year? no. but i've decided this year is going to be as good as possible. there's been enough misery in the last year and a half to last me awhile. from now on, i think i'll be happy.

Hi. I'm Raven.

(INTRODUCTION)
Name: Raven
Age: sixteen
Location: Illinois (suburb of Chicago)
Gender: Female
Single or In a Relationship?: relationship
Boyfriend or Girlfriend?: boyfriend

What are your likes?: Music, science fiction, video games, writing, drawing (although I suck at it :])
What are your dislikes?: stereotypes, people who judge, bad drivers, meat
How do you S-I?: I used to cut and scratch

Are you good at helping people?: I really really try to be
Do you wish to help give advice here?: YES. That's the main reason I'm here.
What kind of help are you looking for?: I guess just a place where people understand me. I have absolutely no one in real life to talk to about this, so I need a place like this. Mostly, I just really, really want to help people.

(INTRODUCTION)
Name: Logan
Age: 18
Location: MI
Gender: F
Single or In a Relationship?: Between..lol Seeing someone?
Boyfriend or Girlfriend?: Boy

What are your likes?: Working out, partying, and having girls nights
What are your dislikes?: Rude people, poeple who do not know how to drive, lol and eating to much.
How do you S-I?: idk what that means =/

Are you good at helping people?: Yes!
Do you wish to help give advice here?: Yeah. i always give advice when people ask for my help.
What kind of help are you looking for?: Just for some suport about me loosing weight.

Im not super skinny. i dont have an eating disorder but i am trying to loose weight so i just thought other people could help me out

why the fuck am i so fucking stupid? what did i do to deserve my math "skills"?

i mean why do we even need to learn math. it should be a choice. i fucking hate math and i fucking hate school.

its only the third week and i am already struggeling like crazy. i have a math quiz tomorrow and its just gonna be another one that i fail.

i suck at life.

just let me die.

please.

just an update.

hey.i haven't been on gj in ages.mostly on myspace and facebook now.
updates on life.no cutting.my scars are still there.they just won't go away.i dunno why.i kind of hope they don't so they serve as a reminder.like look what you did.see how stupid were?remember all the memories and pain.don't do it again.
i turned 18 two days ago.
i am going to college soon to major in photography.
and i have a boyfriend.he's awesome.and very supportive.
all has been good.

Im Homeee

Hey guys I'm home from camp now. I just got home yesterday morning around eight. It feels amazing to be home, I was so homesick. It was crazy. So much has happened. So basically what I did for the past month was hiking and living on a bus with 30 other people. Things got kind of really annoying. But overall it was pretty fun althou I cried a lot. We hiked a total of 120 miles. We traveled to a ton of different states, some including: Utah, Colorado, Nevada, California, South Dakota, Minnesota, and a few more places.

So much happened but I am too tired to write all the details. Please feel free to comment with questions about my trip I would love to tell you more. =)

**Also I have mentioned in previous entries about my feud with my father, but being on the trip has helped me realize how much he means to me and we are trying to mend our relationship. I would also like to someone about that =).**

(APPLICATION)
Name: Pistol
Age: 21
Location: Wisconsin
Gender: M
Single or In a Relationship?: Neither, really
Boyfriend or Girlfriend?:

What are your likes?: Making music, writing, reading, work (amazingly), video games
What are your dislikes?: Sickness, stupid people, romance (seeing as mine is never reciprocated)
How do you S-I?: Hitting my head on walls or concrete, scratching, occational cutting, and I go for a long time without eating, though I don't consider that an eating disorder. I think this stretch is approaching day 3.

Are you good at helping people?: I'm better at listening and helping than I am expressing my own problems
Do you wish to help give advice here?: Yes
What kind of help are you looking for?: Over the past few months I feel like I've completely lost myself. I'm out of control and last night I was almost dragged to a mental hospital. I can't handle my rage anymore, but I don't have the money for a doctor or therapy or medicine or anything, so I'm trying to get help for my problem online. I lost my way of venting when I moved last month, and it boiled over so high in just the past few weeks that I can't handle it anymore. My roommates are no help, seeing as when they have a problem, I give them anything and everything I can, but when I have a problem, they either hide or make it painfully clear how big of a fuckup I am and how baddly I'm making THEM feel. Of course, who gives a shit how I'm feeling, right?

Sorry, didn't mean to rant, I'm just in a bad spot. Which is why I'm here. Which is why this place was made, right?

Burned myself last night. Classic cigarette to the hand.

I was upset he couldn't talk cus his mom was leaving and taking the cell. Not upset at him, just that I wouldn't be able to talk to him. That's really pathetic of me to burn myself over, but it happend. =/

Brighter note I finally got my permit, yay.

1. My best, straight friend, Kylie, has completely forgotton about me.

2. I broke down to my ex-girlfriend and good friend, Jackie about how I still feel about her. She loves me but is not in love with me.

3. I found out my other best-friend(I have 4), Steph, is actully bi and has been lying to me for months, because she never looked at me in the girl-friend kinda way and I had a crush on her.

4. My newest best friend will not tell me if she's bi or not, but tells me it's okay if i devlop a crush on her.

5. My longest best friend, Cassie, admitted to me last night that she's been in love with me for over a year. I had a crush on her a while back, and hav highly consider kissing her while I've been high.

6. My ex-girlfriend and ex best friend is still madly in love with me, and she claims she loves me more then Ian, she her ex-boyfriend she was engaged to.

7. I met a girl online who is absoulty amazing, but lives hundreds of miles away. there's just no other word to describe her except amazing.

8. A girl named Ashely asked me out up her in NC. She has tickets to the Angels and Airwaves/ TBS concert. i have permission to go.

9. this is all happening while I'm in NC and in love with Amanda's current boyfriend, Louis.

What the fuck am i doing?

I know its been quite some time since I've let you know what's been up with me so I figured I'd update.

Things have been more than amazing with me. The last time I cut was January 28 & I was admitted at UMDNJ the next morning. I stayed there for 9 days & went home. I've been clean since. I had a lot of urges and I was tempted but I didn't give in because nothing is worth destroying my skin.

I did, however, get drunk out of anger and that was a once&only kinda thing. That won't happen ever again. [Mainly because its makes me sick to look at alcohol.]

I graduated high school & made it on the honor roll.

I just got a job as well.

I've been extraordinarily social & I've been with my friends a lot so far.

I still don't have a boyfriend but it doesn't bother me because I don't want to be tied down with a relationship right now. I'm too busy enjoying life.

I think I've hit all the aspects of my life.

If any of you need help, let me know. I'm always willing to lend a helping hand.

Katiekinz [155] days Wo0t!

Name:Micaela
Age:14
Location:New York
Gender:Female
Single or In a Relationship?:Both in a way
Boyfriend or Girlfriend?:Boyfriend

What are your likes?:I really have alot
What are your dislikes?:Again alot
How do you S-I?:Cutting,wrist banging, scratching, and almost leaded my way to suicide.

Are you good at helping people?: I try my hardest
Do you wish to help give advice here?:Yes
What kind of help are you looking for?: People that will understand what im going through, in otherwords giving me some advice.

(APPLICATION)
Name: Jordan Marsh
Age: 14
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Gender: Female
Single or In a Relationship?: Both in a sense
Boyfriend or Girlfriend?: Boy

What are your likes?: I have a lot
What are your dislikes?: Again with alot
How do you S-I?: cutting, scratching, wrist banging

Are you good at helping people?: I tend to be very honest and try to help people without sugar coating to much.
Do you wish to help give advice here?: Yes I would love to help somebody here
What kind of help are you looking for?: Advice, people I can talk to and understand always help.

I am leaving early tomarrow morning on a Westrntrip for a month...I will be back August fourth.

Fell free to leave me comments while I'm away.

well I leave for camp this sunday. and I am NOT excited. I will be gone for a month. and I just cant stand some of the people I will be stuck with. what do I do if I NEED to cut. like I'm freaking out. Im sure it wont happen, but what if. last year at camp I did. but last year we had cabins and when I did it no one was in there. but were going to be in tents. and we will be hiking a lot. and I dont know. I'm just not excited.

comment if you want. it would help.

Last night....I cut again.....and when I told my Bf he got really mad....I broke my promise and I messed up everything...he hung up on me and sent me a text message that said "I hope it was worth it not only did you hurt yourself you really hurt me love you too" I tried to explain but he wouldn't even talk to me....so this morning I called him:

Me: do you think we should break up
Him: No, why do you think we should?
Me: No I love you
Him: well it doesnt show...What do you think I should do?
Me:Well i dont think we should break up
Him: I don't have time to talk about this right now [click]

At this point I called Rachel [my bff] crying hysterically.....and he called back to say "Leave me a voicemail with what you think I should do"

So Rachel and I talked about what I should say on the voice mail...and in the end this is what I said:

"Umm BJ its Kate...I thought about this for a longtime and I think you should stay with me. I know that I broke my promise to you and that you are mad at me and that you don't trust me anymore but I want to work things out between us. Once you said that you would never let anything stupid come between us and I dont think that promise still stands now but I really do want to work things out. I'll do whatever it takes to make things right again..Just the thought of losing you hurts me more than I could ever hurt myself. I know that I still love you and that you still love me so please give me another chance. I wont ever do it again, and I know that my word doesnt mean anything to you now but I love you so much BJ and I don't want to lose you....call me later if you want.....bye"

So he called me at like 6 and said..."can your parents drive you home from my house tonight..." And of course they [W/C]ouldn't so I couldn't go.... he sounded disapointed on the phone and said "I'll talk to you later then"

So I'm hoping that he wants to work things out...because I really need him